Mangled Thoughts

You too can play this game and within 24 hours become a multi-millionaire. I’ll show you how from the following transcript of my turn to play, Who wants to be a Multi-millionaire, yesterday afternoon and which I secretly recorded, with annotations:

Brrng Brinng, Brnng Brnng… [ that’s the telephone dial tone]

Other end: Hello, Central officer Grand Visions Co-ordinator and Commissar of Treasury, Finance, Great Projects and other Scams, Vic. govt., speaking, but you can call me Noojoo.

D: Oh, ah, good evening, I was after the host of, Who Wants to be a Multi-Millionaire, I ap….
Noojoo: No need to apologise and, I am the host of WWMM; congratualtions, yopu have passed the first quizz.

D: Oh?
N: Yes, you found my telephone number. Some believe they are the toughest tests of the game, finding out about WWMM, who to contact, and the telephone number. How, to kick off with, did you find out?

D: The first is well advertised rather. I inferred the second from the 3rd. The 3rd I tried by randomly trying millions
of randomly generated numbers.
N: How ?
D: I’ve a top secret high teh military number generator kindly supplied by Barry Jones, Mark Latham and Kevin Rudd.

N: Oh . [It was Noojoo’s turn to say, `Oh’.]

N: Well, you’ve used the first millions of life lines, you have 3,000 & 1/4 life-lines left.
D: Oh.
N: Yes, looks grim, but you’re doing well. Ready to see the next question?
D: Right you are.
N: We’ll pause for a very important break, I need a smoke, what about you?
D: Thanks, and I’ll grab a scotch as well.

Five minutes later:
N: Ready to play on?
D: Nervous but let’s see .
N: Good.

N: What is the scam the scumbags philanthropists here in Spring St.are now considering:

A) Another windmill at $300ms. B) How to replace car engines with methane emitting sheep,$3000billions..
C) A leading edge show case village of Greenies hugging trees and living of what mother nature supplies, to the
total ruination of civilisation.
D) Preserving the endangered rare moss sucking speckled beetle, rare because no-one has heard of it let alone
seen it: $500ms. direct and, indirect, shutting down what little is left of forestry in Vic.

Or, E) All of the above.

D: Hmmn…
N: Yes, difficult choice… but you have 3,0001/4 lifelines… like to use twenty?
D: O.K. I’ll use, 60-40.
N: Leaves D and E.
D: I’ll choose…
N: Phone a friend.
D: Ah, sure but who?
N: Me.
D: Right, hello N, which is the latest scam D or E.
N. I’d pick E. Ask me, how sure I am, go on.
D: ALright then. Noojoo, how certain are you.
N: Bloody certain mate.
D: Good, E.
N: Well played… careful elimination and inference eh?
D: Ah, yes, as you say.
N: Next. What scam great investment scheme D wishes to submit to the Spring St. Commie SpivsCabinet?

N: You have to supply the choices.
D: Right, right, as you say:

D: A) A tonka toy govt. owned transport company run on lego built roads, $20 billion
B) A community initiative aimed at holding the social fabric together, $30million, plus and extra $20m for social workers,
psychologists and sociologists and more bureaucrats
C) Fitness programmes for Melbourne Zoo animals, $8 million
D) Group therapy for the, ah, cabinet to be facilitated by the Revd. Bronwyn Pike, $36million
E) An overseas parlaimentary study tour examining more novel ways in how to screw real taxpayers, $27 million
F) Any combination of the above, or all of them.

N: D, you really are trying for the top prize, let’s see. I’ll use one of my 30 million life-lines. At this satge, since you’re new to
the game, we eliminate A, B, C, D, E. F is the correct answer, composed of D and E.

N. Now for a difficult test, we have to guide you through this. First, I’ll e-mail a 300 page form which must be completed. Are you ready?
D: Yes, Noojoo, send..

[ E-mail arrives]

N: As you can see, it is a regular Special Schemes Application and Schedules form . Complete all fields, to meet
bureaucrat guidelines so that the submission can be approved and financing then arranged.

N Hint: in general statement fields, use dick and Dora language , anything even barely suggestive of literary facility will
sail right past them . Second hint: documentation must be supplied by experts: clergy, sociologists, social workers,
pyschologists, para-professionals, community leaders, local councils.. have I omitted any one, ah , greenies,
A.N.S.W.E.R., activist judges and magistrates, unions, retards, homosexuals - male and female. Do you have any of them
avialable?

D. Not really.
N: Never mind, it’s a tough question, particularly for a novice. The answer is, we supply them. How good is that ?
D: Ah, stunning, fabulous.
N: That’s the ticket D.

D: A question…
N: Shoot!
D: Seems like a lot of work just to extract a few millions for nothing….

[ Dead silence. My first mistake].

N: Ahem [ it was Noojoo’s turn to `ahem’], a balck mark against you. Are you sure you wish to lock that answer in ?
D: Ah, no, I’ll select the best answer.
N: `…to render civilisation how we in Spring St. would like to reduce it to?
D: Hmmn…
N: Lifeline?
D: Yes please.
N: The correct answer life-line?
D [ My eyeballs popping]: Do.
N: It is indeed as I have just stated.

N: Well done. Continuing on. Ensure provision is made for many positions with pretentious titles for femmo-nazis
women, coloured, minorites, retards, juvenile delinquents, sociologists and so forth. Have you done that?
D: Just finished.

N: Now, D, brace for the last joint question, the one standing between you and a vast fortune. Are you ready?
D: Go ahead, Noojoo.
N: Can you return e-mail the form and do you have our e-mail address? You 1/4 of a life-line left so consider carefully.
D: Yes and, I would have it if you supply it.

N: That is the correct answer. Congratulations, you have just won, Who wants to be a Multi-millionaire. The Checque will be in your bank account first thing tomorrow. How does it feel?

D: I feel shocked [ silence at other end so corrected to], great, fabulous [and threw in, just to make sure], feel privileged to
making such a great contribution to civilisation as decided by Spring St.

N: Well, what will you be doing tomorrow?
D: Off to Switzerland, open up some bank accounts, take out citizenship and, after all that hard effort, take a deserved
holiday in the Bahamas aboard a floating gin palace.
N: Terrific, I’m envious, I’ve just been out there myself. Well, welcome aboard champ.
D: Why thankyou, I’ll treasure the treasure. [ Guffaws from both ends over that.]