Mangled Thoughts

Best kept secret, it has to be for, who wants hairy, smelly Greeny goon squads turning up on their doorstep on the festal day? Exactly, if any dared, you’d shoot them and let them fertilise the garden.

First, a word on some of the essentials. Those who have not yet secured their’s, not to worry, you have the rest of the day and Saturday.

1. Shark, white-pointer type shark.Yes, one realises it has been made a criminal offence but, it is trad., so stuff the greeny police.

Ring up RAAF for a lift in a fighter craft to get you to where they’re hanging out pronto. No time to enjoy the sport, game fishing, so transfer to helo, hover over shark, fire gutsache, winch up carcass. Shark is delivered by Saturday by Hercules and helo to your backyard.

2. Crocodile :Take fighter Jet to top-end and do ditto.

3. Taipan, ditto to Canungra or, alternatively, put in a request to a regt. and the chaps will shoot you a couple, ice it and send it pronto.

4. Goanna, ditto where-ever they dwell, somewhere unpleasant.

4. Wombat, interstaters will have to do same but, to Victoria.Melbournians can take a short 4 hour round trip to say, Thornton, to collect a big, juicy, fat wombat.

5. Native birds, take air-rifle/ .22/ shotgun/sling shot into backyard and shoot the little bastards.

6. Kangaroos and wallabies, these oversized bubonic plague carrying rodents are all over the place, so shoot as many you care to eat - if you have all the relatives, you’ll need at least ten.

7. Ditto koala bears.

8. 5 lambs

9. 10 prime yearling beef

10 30 crayfish, bucket loads of other shell-fish.

11. 60 Quail, ditto partridge
12. 18 trout

That’ll do for now…, the rest will be filled in as we move through the bill of fare. I’m sure I’ve omitted some essentials of the above type but , not to worry.

Those heading off boxing day, split the fare in half, putting one lot in blocks of ice inside freezer semi-trailers attached to your car’s tow bar.Those planning Chrissy away, you’ll need two refrigerated semi-trailers attached to the rear end. . . don’t worry, she’ll be right. Those planning either way are blessed, they can stick the heel-kickers into one of them too, and enjoy a restful holiday without a peep out of the little buggers, they will be thawing out until after you have returned from summer vacation to the day when you boot them right back into the schoolyard : bliss.