I was feeling a bit depressed the other day,
So I called the “Suicide Hot Line”.
Like everything else in this country,
It had been out-sourced and
I was put through to a call center in Pakistan.
I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited by this News and
Wanted to know if I could drive a truck or a plane.
The Media Research Centre has put up their Annual Notable Quotables for another year and this year, as usual, there are some absolute doozies.
Like this absolute corker -
“You could argue that even the world’s worst fascist dictators at least meant well. They honestly thought [they] were doing good things for their countries by suppressing blacks/eliminating Jews/eradicating free enterprise/repressing individual thought/killing off rivals/invading neighbors, etc….Bush set a new precedent. He came into office with the attitude of ‘I’m so tired of the public good. What about my good? What about my rich friends’ good?’”
— Ex-Washington Post sports reporter and Seinfeld writer Peter Mehlman in a June 20 Huffington Post blog item.
And who can’t laugh at the hagiographic beatification of Bill.
“When I watched him [former President Bill Clinton] at Mrs. King’s funeral, I just have never seen anything like it….There are times when he sounds like Jesus in the temple. I mean, amazing ability to transcend ethnicity — race, we call it, it’s really ethnicity — in this country and, and speak to us all in this amazingly primordial way.”
— Chris Matthews, MSNBC’s Hardball, Feb. 28.
But to really get in to mind set that is the lefty wanker point of view we only have to take a gander at the tin foil hat files.
Co-host Joy Behar: “Is there such a thing as a man-made stroke? In other words, did someone do this to him?…”
Co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck: “Why is everything coming from the liberal perspective a conspiracy?…”
Behar: “I know what this [Republican] Party is capable of.”
— Discussing Democratic Senator Tim Johnson’s illness on ABC’s The View, December 14, 2006.
Tune in sports fans for more to come next year when the meeja desparately tries to get Saint Hillary over the line in the US. The frothing, fear, loathing and flat out lies will be flying by the bushel full.
Fresh on the heels of the debacle that was the Federal Election comes worse news.
BEST-selling British author Terry Pratchett has a rare form of Alzheimer’s.
All I can say is that maybe the idiot hippies are right and there is no God. That, or maybe the Big Feller upstairs is sick of waiting for the next Discworld novel and decided to get the author up for some more direct consultations.
Personally, and this is quite perverse, but were he to pop his clogs, I would get a lot more done a couple of times a year when the books come out. Of course, that just means that Bernard Bloody Cornwell would start pumping out a couple of extras each year and I would be back where I started.
Dedicated readers would be aware that I have resisted the urge to outline my feelings about the Federal Election and its consequential outcome. Partly this is due to the fact that I promised my ever-loving and suffering better half to restrict my swearing on my blog, but it is also due to the fact that I am finding it difficult to comprehend a few of the electorates’ decisions.
How on earth do you dump a good member and minister like Mal Brough in favour of some pathetic grey aparatchic? What good does it do you to change from an incredibly hard working local member like Theresa Gambaro to some piece of semi-literate fluff?
So, dear readers, you can obviously understand my dillemma? How do you put these reactions in to words? How can I properly explain the inexplicable? To truly delve in to the entrails of the election you require beer and lots of it.
Consequently, all Brisbane Bloggers are cordially invited to the Breakfast Creek Hotel on Thursday night in the back bar commonly referred to as the Staghorn bar. Previous details can be found here
Lefty scum are more than welcome to come along and skite, jape and carry on like the fools they are. Feel free to explain why the only way that the ALP could get elected is to run a leader who is possibly as conservative as John Howard and really should be in the Liberal Party.
In the mean time, those of us on the conservative side can try to come up with reasons why we have elected a Labor party member as the leader of the Parliamentary party. I thought we had more self respect than that.
Kick off from about 6 and we have a special guest star arriving in the form of MarkL, the frequent instigator of arguments on Blair’s site.
In a sign of the future for the great southern land under the Dear Leader Comrade Kevin comes a cautionary tale of what we can expect.
A PROFESSIONAL hunter has been arrested on suspicion he turned Zimbabwean bank notes into business cards and handed them out at a tourism fair.
As usual, the real money quote comes from some pointless functionary whose normal job involves writing emails from Nigeria.
The Zimbabwe Tourism Authority (ZTA) alleges he distributed more than 10,000 stamped notes, the Herald said.
“The ZTA alleges that Paul had discouraged foreign tour operators from coming to Zimbabwe while claiming that the country’s currency was so useless that it was only fit to be used as business cards,” it said.
Personally, I think the strangest part of the whole story is the fact that there is a Zimbabwe Tourism Authority at all. Seriously, unless you ar some kind of UN horror pervert, who the hell else would want to go see a moving car crash of a country. I think I would be less shocked if Kim Jong Il decided to set up a Tourism Bureau for his celebration of despotic stupidity.
Just in time for Christmas Work Parties, here is a list of common problems which you will probably come across during the festivities and the recommended solutions.
Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. . Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Drink unusually pale and tasteless. . Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another drink.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. . You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts. . You have fallen forward. See above.
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. . Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred. . You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another drink.
Floor moving. . You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark. . Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. . Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. . You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Drink is crystal-clear. . It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. . You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in. . You’ve wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free alcohol.
Your singing sounds distorted. . The drink is too weak. Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
Don’t remember the words to the song. . Drink is just right. Play air guitar.